5 Old, But Good, Jokes About Wild West And Cowboys

We collected some good jokes about Wild West and cowboys for you.

This cowboy rides into town one day and stops at the saloon for a drink.

The locals in the saloon have a nasty habit of picking on strangers, which of course the cowboy was.

After he finishes his drink, the cowboy goes outside only to find his horse has been stolen. So he goes back into the bar, flips his gun into the air, catches it over his head without looking and finally fires a shot into the ceiling.

He then angrily yells, “Which one of you fools stole my horse?”

There’s a silence as no one answers, so the cowboy yells even more angrily, “Alright, I’m gonna have one more beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I did in Texas! And let me tell you I don’t like to have to do what I did in Texas!”

Some of the locals shift nervously in there seats.

The cowboy has another beer as he said he would and then walks outside. His horse has been returned and tied to the post where he originally left it.

So the cowboy saddles up and starts to ride out of town. As he does so, the bartender walks out of the bar and asks him, “Say pardner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turns to him and says, “I had to walk home.”

***

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales. The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him. So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales.

The man says, “Let me tell you a story…. One day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says, ‘Get off your horse.’ Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse. Then he says, ‘Now drop your pants.’ Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I take off my pants. Then he says, ‘Now shit.’ Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I shit. Then he says, ‘Now eat it.’ Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I eat it.

Now, Two Guns is laughing so hard, he drops his guns! I grab them! Now I say, ‘Drop your pants.’ Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He drops his pants. Then I say, ‘Now shit.’ Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He shits. Then I say, ‘Now eat it. ‘ Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He eats it. So when you ask me if I know a man named Two Guns Gonzales, the answer is yes: I had lunch with him last week.”



Three cowboys sit around a campfire bragging about their adventures.

The first says, “I gotta be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men. I wrestled that sumbitch to the ground with my bare hands.”

The second cowboy laughs, “That’s nothing. I come across a rattler on the trail yesterday, grabbed it round the neck and bit its head off. I drank that venom down in one gulp, and I’m still here today!”

The third cowboy remains silent, slowly stirring the embers with his leg.

***

In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn’t yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being a fast gun in his day.

The young gunslinger took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. “Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, how fast are you?”

The young man drew his pistol pretty quick and before anyone knew it, then shoots the hat off of the piano player’s head!”

The old man looks over at the piano player and says to the young man, “Well, that wasn’t bad. But you’re wearing your gun too high. You should have your holster lower on your leg so you can get to your gun quicker when you draw. And son, tie the holster down on your leg.”

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt Peacemaker and shot the tie off the piano player.

“That’s terrific!” said the young gunslinger. “Got any more tips for me?”

“Yup,” said the old man. “Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.”

“Will that make me faster?” asked the younger man. “You bet it will,” said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player.

“Wow!” said the young gunslinger. “I’m learning’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?”

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. “See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it. Just but the gun in it, layer it with grease! ”

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

“No,” said the old-time, “I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”

“Will that make me a faster gunfighter?” asked the young man.

“Probably not!” said the old-timer, “But when Doc Holliday gets done playing that song on the piano, that grease will make it hurt less when he shoves that gun up your ass!”




A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.

The cowboy asks the rancher, “Mind if I talk to your dog over there?”

“Damn fool, don’t you know dogs can’t talk?”

The cowboy replies, “So what’s the harm?”

The rancher shrugs, “Go right ahead.”

The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, “Howdy!” The dog replies, “Hello.”

The rancher’s eyes pop wide open.

The cowboy continues, “Does your master here treat you alright?”

“Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake.”

The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, “Mind if I talk to your horse over there?”

The rancher replies, “Now, I don’t know what you’re up to, but I know for a fact that horses can’t talk.”

“Well then, what’s the harm?”

“Go right ahead,” says the rancher.

The cowboy says to the horse, “Hello.” The horse replies, “Hello.”

The rancher’s jaw drops.

The cowboy asks, “Your owner here treat you OK?”

“Sure,” replies the horse, tossing his mane. “He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather.”

The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, “Are those your sheep over there?”

The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, “Listen — them sheep out there, they’re — they’re nothing but a bunch of liars!”

Do you know any other jokes about Wild West and cowboys? You can share your favorites in the comments below.

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8 months ago

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