A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, “Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please”.
The barman says, “Wow, that’s amazing! You should join the circus!”
The dog replies, “Why? Do they need programmers?”
A Liverpool fan walks into a London pub and spots a guy wearing a Manchester United scarf. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Liverpool fan. “Except for Mr. United!”
The Manchester United fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”
Infuriated, the Liverpool fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. United, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Liverpool fan asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”
“No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.”
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “how much for a beer?” The bartender replies “1 cent”.
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender “Well then how much for a beefsteak, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?”
The Bartender reply’s “Also 1 cent”.
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says “Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place”.
The bartender then says “Oh well, he’s upstairs in his office with my wife”.
The guy looks all confused then asks “What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?”
The bartender then says “The same thing I’m doing to his business”.
The duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes”?
The bartender says, “No we only sell beer here”. The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes”?
The bartender says, “No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I’m going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails”? The bartender says “no”.
The duck asks “Do you have any grapes”?