5 Australian Jokes To Celebrate Australia Day

On 26 January Australians celebrate Australia Day – the most important Australian national holiday. Australian Day marks the anniversary of the 1788 arrival of the First Fleet of British ships at Port Jackson, New South Wales and the raising of the Flag of Great Britain at Sydney Cove by Governor Arthur Phillip.

Australians celebrate this day with barbecue parties, parades, costumed balls, and a lot of fireworks. We celebrated this joyful and bright day at our way by collecting 5 jokes about Australia and their neighbors.

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While going through the locker one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs it and a genie suddenly appears. The genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

The lamp finder blurts out: “Turn the entire ocean into a beer!”

The genie claps his hands and immediately the sea turns into beer. The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men consider their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, “Nice going mate! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

***

Three Aussies and three Kiwis* are traveling by train to a conference.  At the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the three Kiwis buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an
Aussie.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers a Kiwi.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but  all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.  Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed Aussie.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers a Kiwi.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”



A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers.

After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, “If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?”

The Kiwi after a great deal of thought, says, “I don’t know about related, but it sure would make us even.”

***

John the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what color to paint each room.

They went into the first room and she said “I want this room to be painted a light blue.”

The builder went to the front door and yelled, “Green side up!”

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled “Green side up!”

When he came back, the woman said “I keep telling you colors, but you go out the front and yell ‘green side up’ – what is that for?”

The builder said, “Don’t worry about that, I’ve just got a couple of workers laying the turf out front.”



There was an Australian, am American and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriage and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Australian were sitting as if nothing had happened and the American had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The American was thinking: “The Australian fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.”

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: “The American fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Australian and got slapped for it.”

And the Australian was thinking: “This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that American s**thead again .”

Kiwi is the nickname used for people from New Zealand.

Do you know any other jokes about Australians? You can share your favorites in the comments below.

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7 months ago

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